New habits and Night Drives.

(15 August, 23:45pm).

I have developed a new habit over the last while. It started on a night when that sinking, nauseous feeling finally hit me, after I’d managed to circumvent it for awhile. And when it finally (and irrevocably) arrived, it caught me so completely off guard, that I couldn’t face going home to an empty room and a head splitting at the seams, for all the hurt and confusion and frustration. I found myself driving late that night, as far as the street lights of that particular road would take me, music blaring. And all I could do was drive and sing and pray, beseeching God for His grace, until that awful suffocating feeling dissipated.

Since then, perhaps once every two or three days, I drive along that same route. In those awful moments, the music and the flickering street lights of that road are what I need to keep myself grounded.

I drove tonight and completely let loose. The songs I listened to in particular were two of my favourites: "The Widow" by As Cities Burn and "Jesus Christ" by Brand New. These lyrics stir me every time I hear them:

Jesus Christ – Brand New:

“I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
Tongue tied to a hating factory”

The Widow – As Cities Burn:

“But I believe there is something here to be learned of grace
'Cause I can't help but love you
No I can't help but love you, even with a heart that breaks, like
The promises that you made
Like the promises that you made
The promises that you made.

No, I can't help but love you.

My God, what a world you love.”